You see my life has been on hold for 18 long months while I tried to live my dream of being in the Bake Off tent. From the first time I saw The Great British Bake Off I was hooked, so hooked I decided at the end of series 3 to apply to see if I could make it into the "tent of dreams". I sent off my application back in October 2012 (jeez, that long ago!) and thought nothing else of it. To my surprize after a string of phone conversations, answering the same mundane questions over and over and over again (I think this is the first test!!), 2 auditions (of which for contractual reasons I cannot tell you about!) I found myself on a train down to London to see a TV Psychiatrist.
Well, it was irresistible .. wasn't it?
My husband thought I was nuts, in fact to be honest, he was really cross with me for saying I would fulfil the role of "close but no cigar" for that year. I started on a 10 week crash course of staying up until 4am after my full time role as an SEN teacher developing, tasting, writing, submitting, tweaking and perfecting 9 weeks worth of signatures and show stoppers. The calls from the producers kept me going, "your recipes are AMAZING, we are so sad you are not on", once filming started I even recieved a lovely message from Mel & Sue saying "keep up the good work, see you next year!" It made the £1500 (this is an approximation but train tickets to Manchester, London, London again, and again oh and again plus ingredients, equipment and salary lost from the weekday auditions) easier to bare... as did the weekly phone calls telling me who had gone, what the technical was and who had got star baker. These names obviously meant nothing to me but I was assured it would be SO exciting to watch the series and know the outcome. I lapped all this up like some wounded puppy dog, just really pleased to be so close but so far .. I had to be on stand-by for the first 4 weekends of filming and was called to make sure I was at home so if I needed to be picked up it would be plain sailing. I even had to pack a bag .. That was my entire Easter holiday cancelled ... again, my husband was so pleased .. when most teachers were relaxing after a heavy term I was up 18 hours a day practicing filo pastry and pacing up and down waiting for a phone call.
Then the series was aired - and yes, it was thrilling, but annoying in equal measure, especially as I too had submitted a peacock bread, chai tea bread and the best opera cake ever (not as good as Mary-Ann in series 2 though, that was EPIC!) ... nothing stabbed harder than when someone with the same name as myself crashed out with a terrible decorative bread in the shape of a tomato. For godsake I was thinking .. I could have done better than that. I know I speak for the majority of viewers who are saying the same thing but I had inside knowledge and when one of the contestants who had been very rude to me at a London audition went out in a blaze of underproved dough I grinned like a cheshire cat. This person was rude to me because I tried to help them when their own bake went horribly wrong , I suppose this should have been my first warning sign of ability to bake vs. entertainment value.
At the end of the series I could not WAIT to apply again. I thought this is IT, I have practiced like a trojan for 12 months, in fact I am now really quite good .. I know my Joconde from my chiffon, my filo from my flaky, what could possibly go wrong? I had even spent hours and hours designing recipes in different categories thinking if I got through it wouldn't be as stressful as last time as some things would be prepared. So when after an agonising wait I received a phone call from the "new team" who asked me exactly the same questions as last year I was invited to another audition, and another where I was told I was sublime, wonderful darling, have you ever considered being a professional? We will see you soon .. I went home feeling pretty happy, I thought all that money and time invested is going to pay dividends this year. I had to sign the same gagging contracts .. I was on my way ..
Then strange things started happening, phone calls to my nearest and dearest asking if I had any qualifications in baking. No they said. They rang my employer asking for a copy of my qualifications, guess what - only a degree in History and a PGCE. My husband was particularly confused as he said he felt like he was being interrogated. "They were just so persistent baby, they are convinced you have had training". Oh how I WISH I had been trained, it would have saved a lot of bloody time in the kitchen practising. I thought nothing of it and presumed it was just a new line of questioning. Then more calls started to come, "have you ever sold cake" the answer again was NO, of COURSE I haven't. Do you think if I was making money from my passion, my love, I would be applying to go on TV? You have to sign an agreement saying you had never sold cake or baking as a business, did they think I was so stupid to lie? The reason for wanting to be on the Bake Off was so simple, I have always loved baking, I have always loved the programme, I'm a bit of an extrovert, I like a challenge .. why not?
Then I heard nothing. We had been given a deadline and told to clear diaries for a possible appointment in London (you have probably noticed they want a lot of your time!). I waited, and waited, and lay in bed daydreaming about biscuit towers. I became tired and moody, I became quite difficult to live with. Work was the only place where I wasn't thinking about bread. At home I was still "practising". The phone rang and in about 20 seconds all my dreams came crashing down, "Hi Lucy, I'm afraid it's not the news you want to hear, your face doesn't fit this year". (YES - that is what she said - nothing about my baking my FECKING FACE DIDNT FECKING FIT!!). We also think you should open your own bakery as a professional .. I couldn't actually speak. My mind went blank and I just hung up. Obviously then a tirade of expletives came, but unfortunately for the poor lamb they were directed at my mother who at that time was driving me back from Matalan!
So this is why I will never, ever put my talent and integrity in the hands of a bunch of TV producers again. All the time, money and emotional investment .. when it came down to it my, "face didn't fit". Last time I checked the shape of your nose or the colour of your skin didn't correlate with your ability to whip up a brilliant brioche which is what I thought the series was looking for. A week ago I was very, VERY angry, I felt used and tossed aside but as I write this I just feel pretty stupid. Stupid and a lot poorer. Maybe it just proves that normal people like me shouldn't enter the idea of going near a TV show, to me people have feelings, emotions, hopes, dreams and aspirations. To them I think I was just always just a name on a piece of paper (who this year had the wrong face again.)
**A note on this piece, this is my own opinion and may not represent your own experience - I don't discourage anyone to apply, just know what you are getting yourself into!) **
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| The face that didn't fit - with the one person who kept me sane - and was also right all along (damnit!!) |
